Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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