If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
