apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
