toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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