I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
