I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
