It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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