I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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