Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
