i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she woke up with a sticky ear
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
