So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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