At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
