May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
