I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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