I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
