Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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