I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My cat gives me a boner
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
