Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
