Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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