is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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