Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
