im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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