Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
