dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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