Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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