Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
