My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he had hair everywhere except his balls
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
