were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
