now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.