I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.