so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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