Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck