Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
