Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
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You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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