Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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