Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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