She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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