Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
