her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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