I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
