genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
