After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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