I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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