It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
