i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
