apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
