...so i touched it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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