I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
