His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
