How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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