It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My dick has a subreddit
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
