I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
