There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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