quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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