Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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