He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
