mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
