And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
