There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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