so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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