Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
