Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
