Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
